My Doctor Made Me Cry

More like, my Endocrinologist made me cry. And here’s the thing, I hate to cry. I hate for anyone to see me cry. I mean HATE it. I do not like to feel vulnerable, and being tough is one of the only things going for me.  I just feel too exposed when I cry,  the feeling is so uncomfortable to me. There are times when I just want to cry in front of someone so they can see my pain, comfort me. But the vulnerability holds me back every time. So the fact that my Endo had elicited this response is huge. And the fact that I gave into the feeling in front of him shows the sheer sadness and desperation I was feeling.

So here’s how the tears came about,  A few Wednesdays ago I was preparing for my follow up appointment. You know, how you do. I just had recent blood work done, and I was excited about the possibility of finally getting better. I even had a book with me entitled ” Stop The Thyroid Madness.”  ( a very informative and educational read by the by ) I highlighted a page that I thought would be particularly helpful. All I needed was my Endo- we’ll call him Dr. Donkey’s Behind-  to agree it was time to increase my thyroid medicine.

And he says ” No.”

And I say ” Why not?”

” Because nothing is wrong with your thyroid.” Says Dr. Donkey’s behind.

” Oh, I see. You originally thought I was having thyroid problems, which is why you prescribed me medicine in the first place. Than you review biopsy results from a large nodule on my thyroid gland. This is not suspicious to you? This does not indicate something wrong in the thyroid department? ” I am a bit dumbfounded at this point. I mean, I am sure anyone reading this with no medical background would be siding with me here.  Little tiny growths all over my thyroid gland (nodules) plus off enough hormones to initially cause a prescription. A quote from my dad fits perfectly here. ” Where did he get his license, a cracker jack box?” Get it? Back in the day, special prizes could be found in your cracker jack box.   Incidentally, my dad has other cracker jack sayings that I have heard many times.  If anyone is the house looks upset, I hear this: ” What’s wrong? Someone steal the prize out of your cracker jack box?” But I digress….

Dr. Donkey’s Behind responds with “No this is not suspicious, nothing is wrong.  You only have mild thyroid failure. I will be more than happy to give your records over to another doctor. As always, nice to see you. ”

” But don’t I have Hashimoto’s?”

” No, that diagnosis is now off the table.”  Jerk.

It is at this point,  my hope, yet again, plummets to my toes and splashes on the floor like a new puddle. One that I will no doubt slip on as I walk out. Because I am nothing if not graceful. Anyway,  I did not even sleep well the night before, so the likelihood of me keeping me defeat in check was almost impossible. So I cried. Then I realized I was crying and was so mortified, I broke down.Like a baby.

All of the frustration of trying to feel better just tore me up inside.

Could this man really not see it?  Couldn’t he tell he was breaking my heart here? And he could have even avoided that. Listen, I saw my test results. They indicate thyroid problems. And I even need glasses.

Dr. Donkey’s Behind couldn’t have gotten out of that room any faster.  Which is obviously rude.This is a rule everyone should know: If someone has the decency to cry in front of you, you should have the decency to comfort the said crier. It’s only fair.

I am sure if he tried to not make me feel like a loser, I would not be feeling like one right now.

Lesson learned? Some doctors are stupid. And some doctors are jerks. But endocrinologist have the propensity to be both. And they usually are.  I have since learned that some of the best thyroid doctors are actually not Endos.

So this is yet again another bump on my road to wellness. I do thank Dr. Donkey’s Behind for getting me this far, and initially finding a thyroid problem.  At least I know what is the main culprit. Now I just need to find a better doctor to finish the job, Here’s to hoping that happens sooner rather than later!

Stay healthy- Nicole 🙂


A diagnosis!


With what you ask? Hashimoto’s. Which, to be honest, sounds like the name of a Japanese Steakhouse. Yummy. But not. Because it’s an illness silly.   And I am so happy you guys. Finally there is medical proof that what I have been feeling was not in my head. Finally people believe me. Finally I am not fighting this on my own.

So let me get medical on you now and tell you what Hashimoto’s is. I’m sure you are on the edge of your seats right now. This truly is riveting stuff. But I digress…Hashimoto’s is an autoimmune thyroid disorder. Basically my body is attacking my thyroid gland as if it were a foreign invader. This is something you are born with, so apparently I have been sick much longer than I thought. Great news! Not.  So while my body attacks my thyroid, I go hypothyroid. Which means that I don’t make enough hormones to live, become exhausted and just ready for the grave. But the good news is my body goes hyperthyroid when I try to fight the attack. So, my poor little thyroid tries desperately to sputter back to life. When this happens, I make too much hormone and have too much energy, lose weight, become jittery and my heart races.  I’ll tell ya, I like the weight loss symptom. I don’t get to enjoy that too often though, hypothyroid settles right in and switches that up!


So I am basically on the worst roller coaster ride of my life. I swing back and forth from hyper to hypo, and it just ends up exhausting me, depleting me, and frustrating me.


How did I find this out? Long story short : My thyroid felt enlarged to my doctor. This, by the way, proves that I am sick. I was so excited that my thyroid felt enlarged to my doctor, I almost mustered up the energy to cartwheel. But I kept it in check. They already think I am crazy, No need to confirm that!

So my painful, swelled thyroid enlarged enough for me to be sent for an ultrasound. After sitting in a dark room as a woman rubbed warm goo with some sort of sonic spatula, I went home and fretted. If this ultrasound didn’t show anything, I for sure would not find what was making feel so unwell. it would once again be back to the drawing board. I anticipated the heartbreak.But rest assured, my doctor called me in a few days and told me that there were 6 nodules on my thyroid gland. Success! ( see how warped this sickly is?) Nodules are abnormal cells in the body that form lumps. One of these nodules was larger than 1 centimeter. When this happens, they send you to get a biopsy done.

On the phone, my doctor said one of the nicest things. she told me ” you only needed someone to believe you.” I almost cried right than. It was so true.  Then this weight I have been carrying rushed like water to my feet. I felt relieved. And alive for the first time in a long while.  Maybe I could let down my guard and stop fighting this monster alone?

The biopsy was scary and terrible. Because, hello, they are putting a needle in your neck into a nodule on your thyroid gland. Multiple times. My doctor went through 4 times. That was enough tissue cell for the pathologist. And lucky me, my doctor was tall. Which means, he had to pump my bed up to the highest level possible. This meant that if I tried to hop off and escape, I would break an ankle. So I was well and truly stuck. Lovely.


The results of my biopsy showed no cancer, yay! But it did show macrophages. Again, another foreign word in need of human translation. So sorry for disturbing your brains. You need not worry about these medical things. But if your are curious, read on. Macrophages are large white blood cells. They ingest foreign particles and infectious microorganisms. So basically this proved that my body was attacking my thyroid gland. Because there should no way be macrophages loitering about your thyroid!


So how am I being treated? Can I get better? Soon?

That, dear readers, is something I can not answer.Yet. My fantastic ( detect the sarcasm?) endocrinologist is away on vacation. He said whatever is wrong can wait until he gets back at the end of September.  Patience is not a virtue of mine.


But I hope this new diagnosis means I will be feeling better soon. I hope this means that I will soon be able to get off of my branch and join the beautiful world I have been admiring for far too long. It will be nice to flap these old wings of mine. I hope so.


Any advice acquiring patience? If i can become a patient person, I think I might feel like I have a super power. If anyone has every heard of Hashimoto’s, drop a line. I would love to hear what you know.


I wish you all a good and healthy sleep, plus a productive and happy day. Maybe one day I will join you!