How do I move on?

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It’s been a little while since I last posted, and in that time I’ve been doing some thinking.  And this thinking has turned into little obsessive thoughts that beg for a written outlet. So here I am. While most likely not eloquently written, I think putting these words down will quiet the questions. Or perhaps make them worse. We shall see.

My thoughts are of course on my health and future. and how the heck to have one with poor health. What if I stay this way? What if I’m always going to feel this broken? What if this is my lot in this life? I’ve had many cups of Sleepytime tea at the wee hours of the night contemplating those very questions.  Which, I hear is supposed to be helpful. You know, the whole fixing- your- sorrows -over- a -cup -of -hot -tea thing? Except, I have come to find, doing this with sleep inducing tea does not lend itself to the clearest thinking, let me tell you!

But undoubtedly,these thoughts that run through my mind when the world is sleeping bring me great anxiety with a side of tears. I’m not sure how to cope with living like this. I’m not even sure if I am capable. But there is one thing I have just newly realized. I don’t want to feel this sad anymore. I want to be different. I somehow want to accept my illness for what it is. I want to push through it and just live gosh darn-it! And if I can get a smile plastered on this tired old face, even better!

But while drinking tea tonight, I realize this is my new problem.  How do I do this? How the heck do I move on from this grieving? How can I rejoin life when I’m too exhausted to move? I never know if the next day will be worse, so there is no way I can plan anything. I want to get a job and earn my keep and pay my way.  But I can hardly do housework and keep up with my laundry. I even want to buy red lipstick and just paint the town ( a girl can dream!). During good moments (rare) I even think I can do this. I shower, moisturize, pick out what I am going to wear….and then BAM! My body needs an instant nap. My eyes feel heavy, and my limbs go weak. The exhaustion crushed me like a heavy blanket. I feel like I’ve just done an hour of cardio. Someone please stop my heart from pounding. I try anything to catch a breath. So I turn the lights off and get between the sheets. I try to calm myself and say sweet things like ” It’s OK, this has happened before. You will feel better when this passes. Just close your eyes.”  I try my hardest to soothe away the anxiety. This anxiety which comes from something unproven, which therefore makes it more dangerous to the human mind. But as usual,  a few hours later I will wake up to clothes and cosmetics scattered in the last places they were before my weakness came.  It’s not the prettiest picture for a hopeful soul to wake up too. The items just lay there, taunting me.

That’s when it hits me yet again, how I am not the normal 24 year old. I have limitations and the little things are too much. So I take in a deep breath and try not to cry. See, this is what a fun time out for me is. Trying to go out. That’s my night out.

So how exactly am I to move on and try to live my life, when I can’t even literally move?

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Heartbroken, and I’ve never been in love.

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Is that even possible? Yes it is. and I’ll tell you why.

When your heart is broken at the end of a relationship, you are sad. You are sad because the future you envisioned is gone. That life you dreamed for yourself is never to be. It hurts on a level you didn’t even know you had. You know this because the pain you feel doesn’t go away. It isn’t the same old sadness that goes away in short order.  You fall asleep feeling the hurt, and you wake up with the recognition that a piece of you is gone. You carry it with you everywhere you go.  Even if you don’t want to. Your grieving almost as if someone close to you has died.

And in all honesty, that “someone”  can be anything.

For me, that  “someone” is my future self. I envision a beautiful, healthy, vibrant woman who greets the early morning sun with energy to spare. She loves and is loved. Her day-to-day makes her smile, as she accomplishes her goals with the satisfaction that only productivity can give you.

And why is my “someone” breaking my heart? Easy. I can’t be her. Because of my chronic illness and lack of proper treatment, I’m not her. I once was her. Albeit, for a short time. It was magical. That’s how I know I miss her.

With each doctor I see, and with each test I get done, I get my hopes up. I start envisioning that future self. I’m smiling and just eager to begin life again. It’s all at my fingertips!

Then the phone rings, and my doctor tells me that the results came back  “normal.” And all of a sudden my hope is at my feet, scattered amongst shattered pieces of my heart. The image of my future beautiful self dissolves into thin air as the image of my current self replaces it. And it feels permanent.

After so many tests, and so many doctors, I know what the deal is.  When they can’t find anything on the first or second try, it’s game over. They look at me as if I have 3 heads. I’m the lunatic with no real sickness to heal.

At some point you realize you can’t take the let down anymore. With each attempt and failure your heart begins to break easier, until it becomes glass that shatters at the softest touch. And you’re not sure the strength is going to be there to put it together again.

I’ve never been in love, but my heart is broken. I know this because the life I dream for myself is never to be. I know this because it hurts on a level I didn’t even know I had. I know this because I fall asleep feeling the hurt, and I wake up with the recognition that a piece of me is gone.  I know this because I carry it with me everywhere I go, even if I don’t want to.  I know this because I’m grieving as if someone close to me has died. And in a way she has.

 

“Bird on a Branch?” That’s a funny name huh?

Hello there. Let me introduce myself. First off, I doubt anyone will read this. But that is okay, as I am just trying to create a space for me to get all of my sadness and frustrations out. I think my family will agree that this is a good idea, as I’m sure their ears need a rest. So I guess I will continue introducing myself, to myself. Not weird at all.

I feel like a bird on a branch. More specifically, a baby bird. Or maybe just an injured bird. I can see all of the beauty life has to offer from my perch. I just can’t swoop down and chirp it up. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m incapable at the moment.

” I ain’t got wings.”

See, when I was 17 I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I also battled mono more than once. Great fun that was. And now I am starting to learn that my CFS diagnosis was just a cover up for thyroid problems. I’ve got some great doctors helping me, as you can tell. Not. But I digress….

So I am on my way to figuring this mess out. On my own, and with too many failed attempts. But in the mean time, I’m exhausted. Not just tired from a hard days work. Not just pooped and sitting on the couch. I am utterly and completely wracked with so much fatigue that I can’t even shower without needing a nap. Waking up is a daily fight. One that when I win, I still lose. Each step makes my heart pound. I feel lifeless. And it breaks my heart.

So now  I must sit on my perch and watch the beautiful world go by.

I am hoping that this writing becomes therapeutic. A way for me to fight what ails me.

One day I hope I get those wings.