Heartbroken, and I’ve never been in love.

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Is that even possible? Yes it is. and I’ll tell you why.

When your heart is broken at the end of a relationship, you are sad. You are sad because the future you envisioned is gone. That life you dreamed for yourself is never to be. It hurts on a level you didn’t even know you had. You know this because the pain you feel doesn’t go away. It isn’t the same old sadness that goes away in short order.  You fall asleep feeling the hurt, and you wake up with the recognition that a piece of you is gone. You carry it with you everywhere you go.  Even if you don’t want to. Your grieving almost as if someone close to you has died.

And in all honesty, that “someone”  can be anything.

For me, that  “someone” is my future self. I envision a beautiful, healthy, vibrant woman who greets the early morning sun with energy to spare. She loves and is loved. Her day-to-day makes her smile, as she accomplishes her goals with the satisfaction that only productivity can give you.

And why is my “someone” breaking my heart? Easy. I can’t be her. Because of my chronic illness and lack of proper treatment, I’m not her. I once was her. Albeit, for a short time. It was magical. That’s how I know I miss her.

With each doctor I see, and with each test I get done, I get my hopes up. I start envisioning that future self. I’m smiling and just eager to begin life again. It’s all at my fingertips!

Then the phone rings, and my doctor tells me that the results came back  “normal.” And all of a sudden my hope is at my feet, scattered amongst shattered pieces of my heart. The image of my future beautiful self dissolves into thin air as the image of my current self replaces it. And it feels permanent.

After so many tests, and so many doctors, I know what the deal is.  When they can’t find anything on the first or second try, it’s game over. They look at me as if I have 3 heads. I’m the lunatic with no real sickness to heal.

At some point you realize you can’t take the let down anymore. With each attempt and failure your heart begins to break easier, until it becomes glass that shatters at the softest touch. And you’re not sure the strength is going to be there to put it together again.

I’ve never been in love, but my heart is broken. I know this because the life I dream for myself is never to be. I know this because it hurts on a level I didn’t even know I had. I know this because I fall asleep feeling the hurt, and I wake up with the recognition that a piece of me is gone.  I know this because I carry it with me everywhere I go, even if I don’t want to.  I know this because I’m grieving as if someone close to me has died. And in a way she has.

 

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