It’s been a little while since I last posted, and in that time I’ve been doing some thinking. And this thinking has turned into little obsessive thoughts that beg for a written outlet. So here I am. While most likely not eloquently written, I think putting these words down will quiet the questions. Or perhaps make them worse. We shall see.
My thoughts are of course on my health and future. and how the heck to have one with poor health. What if I stay this way? What if I’m always going to feel this broken? What if this is my lot in this life? I’ve had many cups of Sleepytime tea at the wee hours of the night contemplating those very questions. Which, I hear is supposed to be helpful. You know, the whole fixing- your- sorrows -over- a -cup -of -hot -tea thing? Except, I have come to find, doing this with sleep inducing tea does not lend itself to the clearest thinking, let me tell you!
But undoubtedly,these thoughts that run through my mind when the world is sleeping bring me great anxiety with a side of tears. I’m not sure how to cope with living like this. I’m not even sure if I am capable. But there is one thing I have just newly realized. I don’t want to feel this sad anymore. I want to be different. I somehow want to accept my illness for what it is. I want to push through it and just live gosh darn-it! And if I can get a smile plastered on this tired old face, even better!
But while drinking tea tonight, I realize this is my new problem. How do I do this? How the heck do I move on from this grieving? How can I rejoin life when I’m too exhausted to move? I never know if the next day will be worse, so there is no way I can plan anything. I want to get a job and earn my keep and pay my way. But I can hardly do housework and keep up with my laundry. I even want to buy red lipstick and just paint the town ( a girl can dream!). During good moments (rare) I even think I can do this. I shower, moisturize, pick out what I am going to wear….and then BAM! My body needs an instant nap. My eyes feel heavy, and my limbs go weak. The exhaustion crushed me like a heavy blanket. I feel like I’ve just done an hour of cardio. Someone please stop my heart from pounding. I try anything to catch a breath. So I turn the lights off and get between the sheets. I try to calm myself and say sweet things like ” It’s OK, this has happened before. You will feel better when this passes. Just close your eyes.” I try my hardest to soothe away the anxiety. This anxiety which comes from something unproven, which therefore makes it more dangerous to the human mind. But as usual, a few hours later I will wake up to clothes and cosmetics scattered in the last places they were before my weakness came. It’s not the prettiest picture for a hopeful soul to wake up too. The items just lay there, taunting me.
That’s when it hits me yet again, how I am not the normal 24 year old. I have limitations and the little things are too much. So I take in a deep breath and try not to cry. See, this is what a fun time out for me is. Trying to go out. That’s my night out.
So how exactly am I to move on and try to live my life, when I can’t even literally move?